Rapid City, SD— Amid an army of clamoring news reporters who converged upon his South Dakota home, minister Ozzy McDaniel confirmed rumors that he does indeed have the same birthday as co-minister Tim King and that he resents him for it.
McDaniel, who has worked side by side with King for the past four years, promised he will do whatever it takes to have his own birthday party.
“I’ve tried so hard to pretend it wasn’t a big deal,” an emotional McDaniel vented. “But this is a very, very big deal. Always with the dueling party year after year. Always with the double ice cream cakes, the double stacks of cards, the awkward, off-tempo ‘Happy birthday Ozzie-And-Timmmm’ during the song. I’ve reached my breaking point.
“Sure, it was historic when we became the first duo in the history of church missions to have the same birthday. Paul and Barnabas didn’t have this. Bontrager and Brumfield didn’t have this. But believe me, it’s no longer fun. With 364 other days in the year you would think his mom would have birthed him on one of those. But what does she do? She goes and picks my birthday to bring him into the world. It’s just improper.”
When informed of his comments, a smirking King said he remembers the one year they had some fun with it. According to King, in the days leading up to it, they reminded each other’s wife’s that the other’s birthday was right around the corner.
Said King: “I was all like, ‘So Jennifer, you must be really excited. Are you taking him out to his favorite restaurant? Have you seen the wine cellar at Vern’s?’ Ozzy was all like, ‘Say Terra, Tim would really love this. Say, Tim would really love that.’ The wives got together and it was actually a pretty stellar birthday. I wound up getting a chainsaw and a party bag of gummy worms and everything.”
But it turns out that McDaniel’s birthday woes are worse than previously fathomed. The throng of media members erupted in gasps and frenzied questioning at the shocking revelation of Ozzy’s identical twin brother, Cain McDaniel.
“It was horrible,” McDaniel reminisced, as tears rolled down his cheeks. “Every year, there was a single piñata and Cain would always have the first crack at it. Naturally, he would always bust it open with the first whack and he would get all the Tootise Rolls and Tootsie pops and stuff. I always wanted the Fudgie the Whale cake – but that’s what Cain asked for every time. So each year, I got stuck with a plain white cake.
“People don’t understand how frustrating this is,” McDaniel lamented. “At least December babies get to share a birthday party with Jesus. That’s actually pretty cool. But I have to share mine with Tim King. Just take a step back and think about that.”
The McDaniel family then packed up their minivan and set off for Texas early Wednesday morning, leaving the King’s to celebrate quietly back in Rapid City.
“For once in my life, I want my own day,” McDaniel responded via text message. “To hear the waiters clapping and singing the birthday song at Applebees to just me. To stuff my entire head into my very own Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake and to wear it all over my face and shirt. To take the first whack at the piñata and scoop up all the delicious chocolate candies as a grown adult man.
“This is nothing against Tim. This is simply about a minister and his lifelong quest of having his very own birthday party.”