WASHINGTON — In one of the final acts of his administration, President Barack Obama addressed the nation from the Rose Garden on Monday afternoon to officially declare that Miami artist David LeBatard is very much indeed the coolest person in the universe.
“The rumors and urban whisperings have been long-standing,” Obama acknowledged, flanked by a buoyant Joe Biden. “They have lurked beneath the surface for far too long and it’s time they receive the confirmative justice they so warrant. Ordinarily, we aren’t in the habit of announcing secrets of state to the general public. But this, the American people simply deserve to know. And so I’ll say it: Yes. Lebo is indeed the coolest person in the universe.”
The depth of LeBatard’s excellence has long been speculated. Innumerable tales and eyewitness accounts have waxed so sensational, Chuck Norris admitted in a February 2014 interview with Time Magazine that Chuck Norris facts really ought to be David LeBatard facts.
“I knew it all along!” said professional party boy Dan Bilzerian. “He’s the real American hero. I’ve seen it a thousand and six times – and that’s just this week. He’s the king of South Beach! He’s an artiste’s artiste, a Don’s Don, a superheroes superhero. Most people don’t know this but Lebo invented the pant suit. You name it and he’s the best-ever at it. It’s sort of ridiculous.”
Hillary Clinton had her own observations when questioned by the press: “Honestly, if I could do it all again, and no disrespect to Tim (Kaine), but I should have snagged Lebo as my running mate. Better yet, I would have been his running mate. Had I been so wise, we would have taken the White House in a landslide. You live and you learn.”
When pressed for comments, Lebo’s brother Dan remains dumbfounded more than ten years after one particular incident he found especially incredible.
“We go to the Zeppelin concert,” he reminisced. “One song in, they notice him and the entire band is calling him up on stage in front of everybody. They’re begging him, ‘C’mon Lebo, get up here!’ Thirty thousand people are screaming ‘LEE-BO! LEEEEE-BO!!! LEEEE-BO!!!! LEEEEEE-BO!!!!”
“He reluctantly goes up and grabs a guitar. I have no idea what’s going on. The next thing I know, with absolutely zero rehearsal, he breaks into this eight-minute solo in the middle of Kashmir that was so indescribably electrifying, it left even Jimmy Page delirious with awe. He was doing things with that guitar that were not humanly possible. Sparks and embers were popping and flying all over the place. It brought the house down.
“My brother plays so much better than him, Jimmy Page himself came down into the audience and stood next to me and we listened to him perform the entire set for the next two hours. Then he gets in the car afterward like nothing happened. I didn’t even know he played the guitar. And it turns out he had just learned to play the night before!”
As expected, the famously demure artiste had little to say following the Obama press conference. Upon arriving at a children’s hospital in an Apache helicopter piloted by him, he brushed all compliments aside, crediting his mother as the true superhero.
When asked if he had indeed provided stunt work in the motion picture Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol, with a whimsical grin he replied, “Maybe I did. And maybe I didn’t. Now if you’ll please excuse me, I’ve got a canvas to paint.”
Amazingly, no more than fifteen minutes later, news broke of LeBatard defusing an armed robbery at a Miami Beach convenience store two blocks away.
According to eye witness reports, LeBatard subdued the masked knifeman with a series of aerial gymnastics and a flying head scissors-roundhouse kick. He then held the perpetrator down while conversing with an on-looker in fluent Japanese until authorities arrived at the scene.
At the instant the police arrived, a bald eagle is said to have emerged from out of nowhere and perched on his shoulder. LeBatard then lit a cigar and in the blink of an eye, he vanished in a flume of smoke.
“It was like something out of a Steven Seagal movie,” witness Hector Sulgaro marveled. “He was kicking and flying around, going ‘Hi-yah, hi-yah.’ Then suddenly there’s a bald eagle cuddling with him.” Added Sulgaro, “I’m not certain he’s human.”
Miami Mayor Tomás Regalado agrees whole-heartedly. “Who needs the Bat Signal when we’ve got the Lebo Signal?”