I had in mind to write this evening. There were so many lovely thoughts and ideas and sentiments that couldn’t wait to get on the screen.
But three decades into life, social anxiety is a Mt. Everest I am still in the process of scaling. And understanding. And triumphing over once and for all.
I should be editing and sharing the post with all the world that I couldn’t wait to get home to write.
Instead, my hands are shaking and nervous tears are drying under my eyelids. My stomach feels like death. …At this very moment in time, I’m crying yet again and I don’t know why I’m crying.
Every sentence I wrote was immediately deleted. Again and again and again – those jeering ghosts from Christmas Day Past hovering and fluttering from all around, looking over my shoulder, laughing so hellishly in my face until I deleted it, only to spend an hour staring at a flashing black line on a blank screen.
The ones who so long ago convinced me that everything I said was wrong and that everything I did was wrong. The ones whose fierce rebuttals interrupted everything I said to tell me how wrong I was before the words were even out of my mouth. Until finally, my mind began to believe I was actually incapable of doing anything right.
“No, don’t write that! Nope! You can’t write that. You can’t phrase it THAT way. People are going to judge you for that. You know how eager people are to argue and to find faults! Why are you even trying? No – you can’t write that either! That’s wrong!!!!!!! Hahahahaha And that’s wrong! And that’s wrong! What are you doing? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Why do you even think you can write? YOU’RE NOT A WRITER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re as terrible at this as you are at preaching!!!!! So and so is such a better writer than you. You look so foolish and worthless next to them. Why don’t you just vanish and disappear and stop showing everyone how worthless you are!”
All lies. Every one of them. I will not believe them.
But man they don’t go away instantly. This is a marathon. This is a war that wages even after battles are won along the way.
These last several months, I’ve made so much ground in learning how to silence the noise and pressing on. Maybe tonight was just growing pains.
But tonight, Goliath won. And David lost.
At least he did in the past hour.
Fortunately, the night is still young. Once I have been perfectly still before Him in the perfect quiet, at least I will sleep in peace tonight.
The journey continues. No one scales Everest in an evening. Or in a couple of days for that matter.
One thing I know for sure: One day very soon, I will be celebrating from the mountain top.